General state of everything
My… It’s been almost a year or more since I posted anything personal? maybe? Does anybody even read my blog? I dunno, I guess I won’t know unless I get some actual feedback (which I’m not asking for comments left out of pity either so no need to comment if you actually do read it and feel that you’re obligated to say so).
A lot of things have been happening in my life, most of them are things that affect everything, from my personal relationship with friends, family and SO, to my actual progress and work and overall self image issues.
I don’t like to share a lot of personal things to the public, because I’m afraid of what people might think of me, I’m ashamed to admit something that is generally viewed as negative in life, I feel like I’m going to be judged or worse, so I tend to keep many things to myself, but that’s the problem, there’s only me and myself, I don’t have any local friends, I do have best friends but both of them live half a world away, and there are sometimes I wish I could just call them and ask to see them at a cafe and cry on their shoulders, but I don’t have that privilege, I feel like I need to get this off my shoulders, so the following will be very very personal stuff, if you don’t want the image of me change in your mind, stop reading and continue on with other stuff.
I’ve been dealing with depression for almost a year now, I though I could ride it out, be tough and say that I can handle the problems alone, but all I’ve done is just sink even lower into this horrible dark hole, feeling as if I’m drowning, that they more I scream, the more I go down. My depression has affected everything, my relationship, my motivation and my personal goals in life.
Last November, I underwent a procedure to help me lose weight, I’ve struggled with it all my life and it has affected my self image since I was a child, when this alternative to the lapband was proposed, I decided to try it, this is the time where I went MIA, there were some complications and I ended up with more downtime than originally predicted, but I recovered and I started to diet and I did start to lose weight, but then it went stagnant, and my depression came in again, I’m struggling to get back on track to continue to lose it but my lack of motivation is also affecting this. This on it’s side, turns into a huge snowball of emotions that get connected with other things and it turns into this faceless monster I can’t control inside my head.
Everything goes back to my weight, my self image because of my weight, my depression because I stopped losing weight, my problems with my SO because of my depression because I can’t lose weight and ends up in lack of motivation to get back on track to start losing weight again, it’s a never ending circle…
This obviously affected my youtube videos, I haven’t even posted anything since June last year, lack of motivation and apathy were the culprits, I just see the time fly and the days go by, everything that gave me joy and happiness were less joyful and happy. I hit rock bottom a few weeks ago, my mind was invaded by dark thoughts, as if this black curtain suddenly ravaged me and I was not able to do anything but surrender.
But I woke up the next morning, zombielike, just there, looking at nothing, realizing that I needed help…
I got in touch with a professional and I’ve been slowly pouring out all the darkness in my heart to try and start healing and try to get my life back, slowly but surely, I’ve been talking and getting help on how to start breaking this vicious circle of self destruction and pity.
I have been feeling better, even though I feel like it’s too slow a process, I feel like I need to give myself the time and patience to resolve my issues, some days are hard, others not so much, and so far, my bf has been very supportive after I opened up to him about my issues even though he has also suffered because of my depression.
My motivation is coming back, slowly, but I do feel it, I can tell, because I actually wanted to make a new video, even if it was just a quick one to make a new channel trailer, the feeling is coming back, so that’s what I did… I made a quick video to update my channel trailer, the old one was crappy, so I wanted to change it, and now it’s up.
I though nobody would care, but I’ve gotten a lot of feedback and people just happy that I posted even a trailer, it’s been so long since I felt that I’ve been missed, it really did make my day.
So why did I just suddenly decide to just spill all this on you? I sincerely don’t know, I just felt the need to vent, even at the risk of judgment and being labeled as “broken” or “unprofessional”. I feel that if someone is also passing by what I’m experiencing right now, please… get help, it doesn’t feel like it works right at the start, but if I’m starting to feel better, it means that something is working, so it should be similar for you.
There’s a quote from Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky that I read recently and identified a lot with, which I think is fitting to end my blog:
“It is the depth of our feeling, the detail of our gaze, the ability to see and measure the contrast of the 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows that feed and inform our creativity. We feel too much, too deeply, and it is at times painful. At others, glorious.”
Most artist will live with depression at least once in their life, I guess my time came, but I hope it doesn’t stay here for long, as he also said:
“There are many thorns, but the roses are there, too.”
Thank you for reading.