My… It’s been almost a year or more since I posted anything personal? maybe? Does anybody even read my blog? I dunno, I guess I won’t know unless I get some actual feedback (which I’m not asking for comments left out of pity either so no need to comment if you actually do read it and feel that you’re obligated to say so).
A lot of things have been happening in my life, most of them are things that affect everything, from my personal relationship with friends, family and SO, to my actual progress and work and overall self image issues.
I don’t like to share a lot of personal things to the public, because I’m afraid of what people might think of me, I’m ashamed to admit something that is generally viewed as negative in life, I feel like I’m going to be judged or worse, so I tend to keep many things to myself, but that’s the problem, there’s only me and myself, I don’t have any local friends, I do have best friends but both of them live half a world away, and there are sometimes I wish I could just call them and ask to see them at a cafe and cry on their shoulders, but I don’t have that privilege, I feel like I need to get this off my shoulders, so the following will be very very personal stuff, if you don’t want the image of me change in your mind, stop reading and continue on with other stuff.
I’ve been dealing with depression for almost a year now, I though I could ride it out, be tough and say that I can handle the problems alone, but all I’ve done is just sink even lower into this horrible dark hole, feeling as if I’m drowning, that they more I scream, the more I go down. My depression has affected everything, my relationship, my motivation and my personal goals in life.
Last November, I underwent a procedure to help me lose weight, I’ve struggled with it all my life and it has affected my self image since I was a child, when this alternative to the lapband was proposed, I decided to try it, this is the time where I went MIA, there were some complications and I ended up with more downtime than originally predicted, but I recovered and I started to diet and I did start to lose weight, but then it went stagnant, and my depression came in again, I’m struggling to get back on track to continue to lose it but my lack of motivation is also affecting this. This on it’s side, turns into a huge snowball of emotions that get connected with other things and it turns into this faceless monster I can’t control inside my head.
Everything goes back to my weight, my self image because of my weight, my depression because I stopped losing weight, my problems with my SO because of my depression because I can’t lose weight and ends up in lack of motivation to get back on track to start losing weight again, it’s a never ending circle…
This obviously affected my youtube videos, I haven’t even posted anything since June last year, lack of motivation and apathy were the culprits, I just see the time fly and the days go by, everything that gave me joy and happiness were less joyful and happy. I hit rock bottom a few weeks ago, my mind was invaded by dark thoughts, as if this black curtain suddenly ravaged me and I was not able to do anything but surrender.
But I woke up the next morning, zombielike, just there, looking at nothing, realizing that I needed help…
I got in touch with a professional and I’ve been slowly pouring out all the darkness in my heart to try and start healing and try to get my life back, slowly but surely, I’ve been talking and getting help on how to start breaking this vicious circle of self destruction and pity.
I have been feeling better, even though I feel like it’s too slow a process, I feel like I need to give myself the time and patience to resolve my issues, some days are hard, others not so much, and so far, my bf has been very supportive after I opened up to him about my issues even though he has also suffered because of my depression.
My motivation is coming back, slowly, but I do feel it, I can tell, because I actually wanted to make a new video, even if it was just a quick one to make a new channel trailer, the feeling is coming back, so that’s what I did… I made a quick video to update my channel trailer, the old one was crappy, so I wanted to change it, and now it’s up.
I though nobody would care, but I’ve gotten a lot of feedback and people just happy that I posted even a trailer, it’s been so long since I felt that I’ve been missed, it really did make my day.
So why did I just suddenly decide to just spill all this on you? I sincerely don’t know, I just felt the need to vent, even at the risk of judgment and being labeled as “broken” or “unprofessional”. I feel that if someone is also passing by what I’m experiencing right now, please… get help, it doesn’t feel like it works right at the start, but if I’m starting to feel better, it means that something is working, so it should be similar for you.
There’s a quote from Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky that I read recently and identified a lot with, which I think is fitting to end my blog:
“It is the depth of our feeling, the detail of our gaze, the ability to see and measure the contrast of the 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows that feed and inform our creativity. We feel too much, too deeply, and it is at times painful. At others, glorious.”
Most artist will live with depression at least once in their life, I guess my time came, but I hope it doesn’t stay here for long, as he also said:
“There are many thorns, but the roses are there, too.”
Thank you for reading.
Most of you may know that last year there was a less than desirable event that happened between me and e2046.
I’m a person that likes to point out the good the bad and the ugly on everything, including store and product reviews, so there was for the most part a poor communication between this store and me, my frustration was very high, specially when my account was frozen due to less than valid reasons.
But I’m not a person to hold a grudge (for too long lol) and things have actually taken a turn for the better.
E2046 has been producing a several ori characters that quite frankly, have been on my “I wish they had made a kit of this character” list for a long time now, so I though to myself, “well, this is awkward”. It had been a year since this ordeal, so I though I browse the interwebs to see how the company had taken my video, I was pleasantly surprised that most of the negative things I had pointed out had been worked on and are now being addressed, which is great, it had to take someone with a voice to have this company hear the general complains from a whole community, and it worked for the most part.
I have been reading good things about other people that continued to purchase from them even after the video went up and most of them report that a lot of things have changed, both in their products and in their service. So I was at this point thinking of getting in contact with them and see if things could be worked out, and to basically make peace.
So we started to talk, I had the pleasure of speaking with Mr. Fung once again and we began to clear up all of our concerns, on both sides, so I understand them a bit more as a company and they understand me more as a long time customer, mistakes were made on their part, but they have basically gone back and corrected them.
My account has been re-instated and I’m happy to say that I’ll will be more in touch with them so they can keep improving on their products and service, like a consultant, this is a pretty big thing to be honest, to be able to be the voice of a community is something I take seriously, and it makes me happy that I’ll be able to come to them directly when something I see needs attention.
I’m a person that can recognize when someone accepts that they messed up and want a clean slate to start over again, even if that someone is a company like e2046, it speaks volumes of them.
It great that I can help have an impact like this in the hobby, it means that I’m doing something right and people are willing to listen to me.
I’m glad this whole situation has come to it’s end, now I can concentrate on the positive things coming this way ☺
I wanted to let people know that commissions for this year remain closed, however, commissions for 2017 are open but are going to be very limited in comparison to previews years.
I’m changing the way I accept orders as well, so if you ask for a quote, there might the possibility that I not be able to take in your commission as this will depend on my availability for next year, I have several projects I will be working on, so it will all depend on timing.
I’m also going to start doing group orders, group orders will be for a specific figure, it can be suggested via my facebook page or you can contact me through my website and provide a picture of the figure you would like people to vote on.
They will be produced in limited quantities though, not exactly mass produced, this is because each figure receives the same care and detailed quality I provide to my regular commissions unlike other companies that paint dozens at a time with little to no shadings and details.
Right now the figure that I get requested to paint a lot is the Usagi and Mamoru Dancing Masquerade pair, this might be the first figure for 2017’s group order, so if you are interested in ordering a copy, please click here to read the early details for the project and if you are interested, there will be an order form you will be able to fill out.